(Although this post was originally targeted at the Baby Boomer Generation, the 7 steps found below and links to professional marriage help materials work well for most couples of any age who may be struggling with their marriage).
Stephen and Catherine knew that things had changed. It certainly didn’t happen overnight. They had made it through 32 years of ups and downs, good times and bad times. However, this seemed different. Their marriage went south and, unfortunately, in the end, they called it quits.
It happens more than we ever thought it would in this world of ours. It used to be quite different. However, Forbes.com reports that since 1990, the divorce rate for Americans over the age of 50 has doubled, and more than doubled for those over the age of 65. Back in the early 90’s, 1 in 10 persons who divorced was 50 or older. By 2011, the census “American Community Survey” reported that the number had gone to over 1 in 4 persons regarding divorced persons 50 or older.
Although I couldn’t track down the percentages for 2018, research shows that they aren’t good.
So, as some numbers indicate that while the overall divorce rate was leveling off, marriages in the over 50 column were increasingly failing. There are a plethora of reasons.
A Few Of The Reasons
- Empty Nesters – You guessed that one, didn’t you? Together the couple has put so much effort into loving and raising their children. When the last child departs the house, there is a lack of unified focus that the couple shares.
- Couples Simply Grow Apart – A trite answer, general in nature, and it has become a cliche. However, it is true. Individuals in a relationship are finding new interests in life and they gradually lose the close connection. They lose common goals and interests they had earlier in their marriage.
- Lack of Communication – Over time, the lack of communication in the marriage is one of the biggest contributing factors in couples growing apart.
- Stressful Financial Situations – Differences in spending habits and financial difficulties can cause this stress. This stress can put the husband or wife over the edge. And, while the financial picture has been a factor in keeping many struggling couples together in the past, that has changed quite a bit. Women have become much more financially independent than June Cleaver was. That has opened the doors for more women to have the financial option to exit a bad marriage.
- Boredom – Sometimes even when there isn’t a lot of fussing and fighting, couples these days simply get bored with the marriage. One spouse may feel like they have a lot of life yet to live and want more exciting times than the other spouse wants to pursue.
- Large Age Differences – When a young couple married with quite a large age difference, the gap wasn’t so wide. However, as the couple starts into their more senior years, it changes. Age differences that earlier seemed insignificant start raising their heads. It points out differences in interests and life’s passions.
- Sex – Of course, this one is on the list. Varying sexual desires, sometimes to a large degree, start creating problems in the bedroom that were not nearly as prevalent in the younger years.
That’s just a few struggles among others, and they don’t necessarily work independently of each other. The causes stack up and bring the pressure level higher that leads to a decision to split.
What are the Answers?
So, what is the answer? I’m no professional marriage counselor. I will recommend the Save The Marriage system if you’re not yet ready to go to a counselor. And also, here are some tips that couples should think about to prevent graying divorce.
- Intentionality – It sounds like an oversimplification. But just realize the fact that things are changing. Then, together be intentional about working on the things that commonly give aging couples problems.
- Keep up with the changes – Your spouse is changing, and depending on the age and season of life, it may be quite a lot. If we keep up with those changes together and work through any associated problems, the chances are much better for a couple. This works hand in hand with number 3.
- Communicate, Communicate! – You have got to talk. It’s so easy to sit and let the movie or the TV or even the friends around us fill in the gaps. Then we find ourselves not engaging in needed personal communication.
- Continue to learn how to disagree well – We should be good at that by now, but a lot of us need more development! A leader that I admire and respect always says that we must learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. See “How To Debate An Idea…” If half of the things on which a couple disagrees end up in a huge argument, then trouble is already there. We must learn to listen to each other (talkin’ to myself, here), keep our emotions in check when there is a disagreement, and love each other through the things on which we disagree.
- Plan to do new and interesting activities together – This goes back to the intentionality part. Couples should actively plan to do new things together or to go places – see things. I know, for a fact, if my wife and I don’t plan ahead for a Friday night or Saturday, we will end up in front of the TV watching movies. And certainly, there are great times for that. We just need to look outside of the normal inertia of inactivity that might creep up on us as we age.
- Be aware of your spouse’s sexual needs – That’s all I gotta’ say about that. You can figure it out…….But last, and most importantly…
- Develop your spiritual lives together – Whatever your belief system (see my personal belief system), you need to be active together. Worship together, pray, and have an active spiritual life.
Oh yeah, I’m trying to learn…
As I researched this issue, I didn’t actually realize that the problem had grown so much in the older age categories as it has. Also, I realized that I was guilty of a number of those things of which I had to write. I need to follow my own words and work on several of these things myself.
Don’t be a part of that growing statistic of gray divorces or any divorce. I know you want no part of that. Again, if you want some tips on how to fix a broken marriage, see Save The Marriage for more on the topic of marriage problems.
Full Disclosure: The Save The Marriage System is not directly written for any specific age. If a couple does not want to initially see a marriage counselor, that system is one that BRIAN SLOAN NETWORK recommends. Since 2014, Brian has recommended the nationally popular marriage saving materials promoted on that site. The other program which utilizes much of the same material, is Save Your Christian Marriage and is overtly Christian in content and excellent material. The BRIAN SLOAN NETWORK does occasionally receive affiliate compensation for purchases made through either of these portals.