Things I Don’t Miss # 1
Flared or Bell-Bottomed Pants
Where did those come from anyway? Of course, as we got further into the decade it seemed that there was a subtle line in which some people did not want to cross. That was the line between “flared” jeans and outright “Bellbottom” pants.
Now I was the biggest, nerdiest geek this side of Uranus, but I wanted to be “cool” in flared jeans rather than be over the top in those bell bottom things. Those things were huge. You could hide a Volkswagen under one leg and your uncle’s fishing boat under the other. It was amazing. How did people not just trip and bust their faces all of the time?
And the disco bands on TV were dancing around with these things on. What was the physics behind that success? Some mysteries are just too complex to comprehend I guess.
But although I tried to stay safe and play it on the “flared leg” side of things, you could still trip over your britches legs and come face to face with the ground.
We actually opened our lives up to this possibility when we went places where we wanted to showcase our flared jeans – like the skating rink, for instance.
Well now, here in 2018, the youngsters have gone to skinny jeans. The pendulum has swung all the way to other side and people are cutting the circulation off of their thighs with these things while I continued to wear my regular cut (thank you, Lord) Levi’s …… until recently.
Heck, I thought I was safe in my old style, comfortable Levi’s that were baggy and comfortable, but nooooo….. with circus freak arms and legs I have a hard time finding the exact size I need in jeans, so I got online where my son, who is roughly one hundred years younger than I, shops.
Well, online they had every size imaginable. I had found the mother lode. But I noticed they came in “skinny size” — oh, heck no. But they also came in slim sizes. Well, it was my exact size so I ordered a pair for a grand experiment.
And wonder of wonders, and unfortunately, they fit me. Or at least they went all the way to the floor and I could button them – but is that the only qualification to pronounce that they fit?? Obviously, this pic —->>> are skinny jeans, not just slim, and not me!
So, realize I didn’t say they were comfortable or 
that they didn’t make me look stupid, but the size fit me. And low and behold… the death nail…my wife liked them.
“Oh, they make you look you have lost so much weight! Look, girls (my daughters), how skinny your dad looks in his new jeans.” Gee thanks, honey. Tubby the tomato will keep jumping off the bed because it’s high enough that gravity can force my 240 lb self into these wanna’ be, pixie stick Levi’s. I guess I’ll be skydiving into these things every morning from now until I’m dead.
No worry that we have to take vice grips and W-D 40 to get em off of me every night. That’s ok…… as long as they make me look like I’ve lost weight….I guess.
But, dang, some of those baggy pairs of Levi’s hanging in my closet are calling my name, but the wife prohibits me from answering the all-appealing call.
God bless America, Levi’s jeans, the Waffle House, and Bubba’s Tattoo Parlor & Sushi bar. Amen.
Brian Sloan
For part 3 of this series, click here.
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